For some time now, every time I sit down and try to write-I freeze. Every time I pray, I feel that I have no words, so I try and sit there in silence. Not that I have no idea what to say…it’s the exact opposite. I have so much to say that I kinda just give up on trying to explain it even to myself. I haven’t been writing and I usually do. I’ve just been…busy. Even too busy to sit down and feel what I’m feeling at that moment. However, I’ve been reflecting on this past year, I don’t even know where to start.
For those who don’t know, I’ve had my heartbroken in May *cue sad music here* It was during finals, which makes it even more annoying. I set the pain aside to focus, and then when it was over, I had to let myself feel the hurt. I hated that I had to face it. And not gonna lie, that killed me. Shattered all my hopes, dreams, ambitions, and character. I felt like all the time I spent loving someone was gone to waste. For years and years of preperation and building myself, I was torn down all over again. I felt like a failure. I felt like I wasn’t good enough, and that I was worthless. I felt just about every word that the devil was hammering inside my head. Worst part was? I believed it. I believed everything was my fault, and that I didn’t do enough. "Wow Queen, you’re such a fool, can’t you get anything right?!” This ran across my mind everyday. I cried to myself every single day, for months. I felt like I had failed at love. Who in the world wants to feel like they have failed at the very thing that brings everything together?! In that moment, I was lost and fear started to control my life. Fear of love, fear of hurting, fear of never being happy again. You know, all the sad pathetic things we fear when we’re broken. I feared everything, and everyone. So I stayed away from everything. Except my family, and God.
But okay, the sad part is over. This blog is supposed to be inspiring right? Well whether or not it inspires anyone, I just need to lighten the weight of my heart by letting it out. I’m actually pretty nervous. Vulnerability has become foreign, but this is for me.
This passed semester, has also been hell. It was my toughest one yet, so yes, you can say that I felt defeat in every aspect of my life. My sister, brother in-law, and niece moved to Hawaii and I felt like I was missing an even bigger part of me. How am I still alive? The funny thing about life is that we build ourselves up, only to be torn down again, by the world. It sucks, I know this. But there was something inside of me that kept me going. I created the expression “turn pain into success” and I live by it. I started to work out again, I fought for a volunteer spot at Kaiser in the emergency room, and I spent time with people who mattered and cared about me. When you’re done being alone, surround yourself with people. I’ve realized that it’s okay to cry…maybe not for months straight, but crying is okay. Take as much time as you need for yourself, but eventually you’re going to have to stop and figure what you do next. Life moves on with or without you.
I can honestly say I’m happy. I’m genuinely happy, and that is a feeling I haven’t felt in a realllllyyyyy long time. I don’t think I have good enough words to thank the Lord for pulling me out of the emotions and lies and sadness that I was drowning in. Although I have not been the most perfect daughter for our Lord, He has always been there, every step of the way. He caught every tear, and carefully stitched up every corner and crevis of my heart. I’ve realized how much good people matter in my life, and I whole heartedly know I have really incredible people in my life who have made a difference. I’m not sure what happened, but one day it was like all of a sudden I was at peace. I knew I was going to be okay, and I just became really excited and happy about my future. I have such positive feelings towards my life because I am now completely ready to let the Lord lead me wherever He’s calling me to.
Living a lifestyle for God isn’t easy, and I still struggle with alot of things. But it’s worth it. He never gives up on you no matter how much we push him away. It’s hard to believe that He does forgive us, because we don’t forgive ourselves. We can’t believe His love is unconditional because we don’t unconditionally love others. But God is God. Let God be God, and draw near to Him. I desire for holy feminity, and to be continue to be happy and psyched about my life. I know what I deserve.
A broken heart doesn’t mean a broken future. At first I felt like it did. But I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started to celebrate the new person I am becoming. For every one bad thing that happens during the day, there are ten good things. Broken hearts are inevitable, and no one is immuned to it, but what matters is what you do with the scars you have. There are still so many things the Lord is showing me, and so many things I need to change and improve about myself, but it’s okay.
If I can describe this year…I would say, humbling. God has showed me that I am nothing without Him, at all. And that above all things, He is the one that matters the most. I’m excited for my future. In the mean time, I’m going to enjoy my break with my friends and family. I want to focus on being a better me, so one day in the future, when I decide to give my heart out again, I won’t be scared. It takes time, and patience, praying, and wisdom. The heart is strong and yet fragile. I intend to keep my heart guarded, but also share the love of Christ with others.